I hate Fathers Day. And it’s not just because I had a violent alcoholic dad who drove drunk into an oncoming vehicle when I was six. Although it did make the clay coil ashtray with ‘Best Dad in the World’ I made him at school a bit redundant. Lucky Mum still smoked. Although I could have changed it to ‘Best Dead Dad…’
Three husbands later I have worked through that man-hating shit. I almost like men now. I even love some of them. But Fathers Day brings up one of my major issues: man gifting! Easier to buy a gift for a woman you have never met than get a bloke you know really well something he wants. Or needs. Basically because most men don’t want or need that much. Once you’ve cooked them a meal and given them a blow job, they’re pretty well done.
Men are impossible to buy for. And it’s not because they’re demanding. They’re not. Men don’t care. They say stuff like ‘don’t get me anything’. And they actually mean it. Like, they actually don’t want anything. I find that statement incomprehensible. Women don’t say ‘I don’t want anything’ because we want everything. If we do say it, then it’s a trick. When you don’t get us anything like we ask, we sulk because it’s proof you don’t love us. So in the end you did get us something: more disappointment in YOU. Traditionally man gifts have been socks and jocks. If the foot and cock are covered than a man is happy. And big man hankies. Wank rags. It’s gross but imagine being that easy to please! Men are happy as they are. Women don’t have that sort of self-acceptance. Men haven’t been told there’s heaps of shit wrong with them like we women have, so there’s not a…
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